3 years ago

3 years ago yesterday we got engaged.

We didn't do anything special for the occasion, but we did go on a walk as a family before church.

There is this wildlife preserve near our church building with a trail next to the canal that we walked down. It was cold and muddy, but Madeleine was thrilled for some reason. Matt and I were just happy that we got out of the house for a bit. One of our new goals as a family is to play outside more together.

The trail was pretty in a dead way. It was really quiet with the occasional hard core runner panting by every so often. Apparently it is over 10 miles long. We got maybe half a mile before turning back to get ready for church. Part of it loops right by our current apartment, so maybe next time we'll explore that part.

Matt and I were content watched our offspring run on all over the trail. It took a good five minutes for her to realize that the water was only a few feet away. She then held our hands for a bit but it didn't take long for her to get tired of that. At that point, Matt just threw her on his shoulders.

Matt and I were talking about our engage-aversary later. When he asked me to marry him, neither of us had any idea what our lives would be like even in the next year. We just knew that whatever the future was that we wanted to do it together. We are both happy and content now three years later. We love each other and our cute offspring. Both Matt and I have been working hard at our faults and problem areas of our marriage, and right now future is looking pretty wonderful. 

(We tried to take a few family photos. We were only able to take four before we got too cold...and this was sadly the best one)

Part of me feels silly for celebrating all of these random milestones. But I think it's good to have random dates to do a check up on our marriage. It's nice to think back to when it all started, and right now it's even nicer to see where we are.

Why we work as a couple

Usually I just do my own thing and don't do other blogger's challenges,

but this one has me really excited.
Bonnie from Life of Bon challenged her readers for Valentine's Day to write a blog post about why your relationship works.

I love talking about my husband and our relationship, so tada! A blog post.

We work because it's 12:23am and Matt has Madeleine cracking up in the kitchen doing who knows what. He understands that I can only keep sane watching her for 14 hours a day and is more than happy to make up the rest of the time. We know there are limits to what each of us can do. For Matt, that can be turning off an alarm clock or poking him awake, and for me, it's dealing with a crabby baby.

(He was explaining to her his chemistry project while doing dishes with her.)

I hate doing laundry. He's scared of letting other people do his laundry, so he does it all. Perfect match or what?

We work because despite the fact grad school is generally really hard on relationships, we both put our marriage as a top priority. I email him photos of Tiny and articles I find interesting, and he explains to me his Chemistry projects on our white board. He makes a point to include me and I, him. Some days it means putting Madeleine in the car just to drive around the block once while he eats lunch. Other days it means I wait up until 2:30am for him to get home, or him rushing home in time to put Madeleine in bed. It's the little things you know?

We work because we love books. One of our first dates was a trip to the Salt Lake City Library where we read to each other our favorite children's books before hunting for the books that his mother wrote. When we have the time, we read books together so that I have someone to discuss the interesting parts with. Even when we don't have time to read a whole book, we still read and share - usually discussing interesting blog or wikipedia posts. We are fabulous at just doing boring things together, because there is always something new we read that we have to share.

.-

We work because we don't judge each other. We seriously tell each other everything, and it doesn't bother either of us. There is no resentment.

We work because we have a budget. It has reduced so much stress in our marriage and now it is rarely an issue. Matt was a bit too much on the thrifty side when we got married, and I was a bit too much on the spending side, but we have found a balance.  Matt not only knows that sometimes buying stuff is good, but he has becoming an awesome shopper (My birthday gift anyone?). He understands spending money on quality and knows that "if it's not half off, it's not on sale". He versed in all my favorite designers and can tell you all about any of the brands in our home. I, on the other hand, have learned to curve my spending a bit (I really wasn't a huge shopper before, though I do claim window shopping as one of my many talents.) Not only that, I've learned to waste less. I've learned to be more efficient with food and clothing, cutting down cost in a way that I desperately needed when I was single.

We work because on bad days, he brings me a book and chocolates. And on days that he has a big deadline, I bring him pizza and chips (even though I don't approve of the chips).

We are really stubborn, but we hate fighting. When we got married, I told him that I'll be married to him for today and tomorrow. (n+1= infinity) I make it a point to figure out most problems within two days that way we can still sleep it off if the fight gets too heated.

His borderline OCD balances out my ADHD. He is so overly practical, and I'm all over the place with ideas. (Last week I was trying to convince him to let me move to France while he's in grad school). I start projects. He then goes through all my half finished projects, organizes them, finds the missing pieces, and then finishes them. I help him be more spontaneous and excited about life. I remind him that life is for fun and not every "i" has to be dotted on each form. It's weird but wonderful dynamic that works in our marriage in so many ways. It's amazing, especially considering how rough it is to be married to someone with ADHD. 

We work because despite the fact we share just about everything, we respect each others goals and dreams. Matt has few expectations for what I want to do with my life. Number of kids? Stay-at-home v. working? Traveling Europe? Eating at 50 different cupcake places? He doesn't really care. (I asked  him once how many kids he wanted, he said somewhere between 1 and 100. He said he didn't think he could keep 100 names straight.) I love that once I make up my mind, he'll help me make it happen. I helped him get into graduate school and I have a plan ready to help him be prepared for job interviews. His dreams are very different than mine, but two people working on one dream at a time gets a lot more done.

But what it really comes down to is that our marriage works, because we choose to work really hard every single day (even at weird hours of the night. 2 words - teething baby),
and it's hard.
But it has been paying off in perches.
 (A perch is two units bigger than a bushel.)
Marriage has been sweet to us so far, and I hope that doesn't change anytime soon.

(That's the link up if you want more sappy list.)

The conversation that changed our marriage

Matt and I both think the transition into our marriage was easy. One day we had a lot of roommates of the same gender, the next just one of the opposite gender. It really wasn't that big of deal.

Now that doesn't mean we don't have fights.

We had our first fight on our honeymoon. Matt wanted to catch up on our finances and was a bit distressed when he discovered we went over budget for our trip.We fought. I cried, but within an hour or so it blew over.

Money was a big issue our first year of marriage, but now two years later, it's something we rarely fight about. We found a groove (oh...and a job.)

We've had many problems that we have been able to find a solution to, but one that was a really difficult problem was cleaning.

You see, I have ADHD.

A messy house doesn't bother me.

Matt was borderline OCD when we got married.

He had to have the house clean.

Hence the problem.

When we first got married, his solution was just to clean everything himself.

But as the school work piled on, he would be up until 3-4 in the morning cleaning up our house.

It drove me nuts. He never had time for me. His solution was that I should help out more.

And I tried, but after a day or two, I'd quit.

Through the next two years of our marriage, we tried different tactics.

He got more lenient. The house could be a bit mess. I tried harder to keep it clean. But it still wasn't working.

I wasn't happy with the cleaning, and it was still messier than he liked.

Each solution we came up with was like a shoe that slightly pinches.

We just couldn't come up with a solution that fit us just right.

Then two or three weeks ago, we were talking about love languages. We were discussing how we try to express love to each other other than saying "I love you." It was just one of those cute and fluffy conversations couples have until I said,

"Like I'm expressing love for you, when I put away the laundry."

Matt: "Yeah, and then you point it out and expect me to compliment you on it when I get home. The thing is that someone has to put away the laundry; it's not like you're just doing it for me."
Me: "Yes, I am."
Matt: "Wait, in my absence, you would never put away laundry?"
Me: "I'd probably just leave them there until the hamper was empty of clean clothes, and then scoop up all the dirty clothes on the floor, wash them, and repeat the cycle."
Matt (clearly baffled by this point): "I don't get it, for someone who loves nice clothing so much, doesn't it bother you to see them all over floor."

Me: "Honestly, I don't even really notice."

Matt: "WHAT?!"

Me: "Well, as long as I can do what I need to do in the room, messes don't bother me. That's why I'm so bothered by a messy kitchen. When the dishes aren't done, I can't cook or eat."
Matt: "So let me get this straight, you derive absolutely no pleasure from having a clean house? It doesn't make you an ounce happier to see it neat and tidy versus...the way it looks right now?"

Me: "Nope! Why would I waste my life cleaning when I could be doing something more fun?"

That was a turning point.

We haven't fought over cleaning since then.

The house has been cleaner than normal.

Matt helps me do the dishes most nights before bed.

He gives me extra compliments when I clean now,

which makes me want to clean more.
The solution actually really simple, I didn't need an elaborate (or even simple) chore chart.

Matt didn't need to clean the whole house every day by himself.

Weirdly enough, the solution was as simple as understanding each other.

(See that little black thing in my hand? It's a toy for my camera that Matt bought me so I can use my tripod more. It just came in yesterday. I think between Christmas photos and the pictures I did with Madeleine and me, he felt bad that I had to use the timer.)

Why I chose being a Mom over working or grad school

Princeton is a pretty intimidating place when you're a stay-at-home mom.

There are people all around me my age that are so accomplished.

They are getting a Phd.

They've traveled the world.

Many of them speak at least one other language.

Many of them dress fashionably and just look so put together.

What I'm imagining in my head

And I can't help thinking that maybe that could have been me.

Matt and I started seriously talking about what I wanted to do with my life January 2012.

He basically looked at me and said I could do whatever I felt like that was legal

and just to let him know what I decided on.

Graduate school, work, cooking school, and having an offspring were just a few of my options.

Obviously I eventually picked the kid.

Sometimes I second guess if I made the right choice.

When we go out with any group of people, I rarely get asked how I'm doing or how my day was.

They rather listen to Matt give a simplified version of whatever he's doing in Chemistry and pretend to understand what he is talking about,

than listen to me talk about being at home with Tiny all day.

It hurts, and it is irritating.

They make it seem like my life doesn't matter.

Some of them even avoid eye contact with me, so that they don't have to talk to me.
Like I get it to a point, they aren't at all in the mindset of having kids yet.
But still...sometimes it seems that my relationship with my baby is less interesting than carbon's relationship to hydrogen.

The truth is my life isn't boring.

I'm constantly reading some book, trying some new project, or going to some new (local) place.

But even when I'm not doing those things,

my life at home is beautiful.

It's full of smiles and laughter.
Lots of kisses, crying, and messes.

In honor of being a mother for a year,

I decided to take photos of what Madeleine and I do all day.

I don't want to forget why I made my choice.

:)

Music

Dancing to Abba

Dancing in the kitchen

Being Dinosaurs

Hugs

Reading

Lunch

Singing Tiny Dancer

She brought me this book to read to her

Tea Time (not really...more like pinterest time)

Painting

Yoga

I stayed at home because my baby is only a baby once. I stayed at home for these small moments. I love getting to know her and her tiny quirks. I love how she pats on the door when she wakes up and thinks bath time is the best thing ever. It's teaching me very unique lessons, that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't learn if I was working. Maybe one day I'll have a job and people might actually act interested in my life, but right now I have a little person that is interested in everything I do...and for now...that's enough. More education or working can wait. Right now, I'm happy just being a mom.

Kitchen redo and a bit of history

This year our complex is going to be torn down.

Rightly so too.

It is very old and was never meant to last more than a decade.

Here is one website's description of Butler Apartments...

"Married students live in this village called "Butler Barracks." These temporary buildings were built in 1945 for WWII veterans... The University later took over these barracks to accommodate married graduate students."

This article is my favorite about our housing complex.

(One of my very favorite families here is the family on the first page!)

I absolutely love this part from the intro...

"...when Charlie Duke *63 brought his bride home to 221D Halsey St., she took one look at it and burst into tears. At 216B Halsey, Andrea Singer ... had the same reaction a couple of decades later.

Things would soon brighten, however. In story after story, residents get busy sprucing up tatty places with paint and curtains and, in the spirit of improvisation, ­jury-rigging copper tubing to feed kerosene to space heaters. “We solved the problem of an overflowing pan under the icebox by drilling a hole in the floor,” recalls “Petey” Funk s’50 *52 — who need not have fretted that Butler would be torn down before her husband finished his ­education."

Now in 2014, they are finally coming down.

I'm a bit upset about it, since I have grown to love this place.

First of all, I find the history of this place so romantic.

Newly married couples set off into the world together will big dreams...

only to find themselves at a beat up little complex. 

Wives cry and husbands feel insecure,

but with their love and determination, 

the community becomes something special and unique in the Princeton community.

Then they move out and laugh at the thought that they ever lived there.

Photo from Here

:)

The other thing I love is exactly what that paragraph talked about...

since it's going to be torn down...no one cares much what you do with it.

We are poor enough that our creativity has to be reflected in our home or as it says above

"the spirit of improvisation."

That's exactly what I've been doing here and since there is no "fretting" about keeping it nice,

I have had so much fun playing with my own creativity and trying new ideas.

So last week I told Matt that I was ready to rearrange the whole house.

He smiled and gave my birthday present early.

It was exactly what I've been wanting in the living room,

and it's such a sweet present.

But anyway, I took down all the pictures from our living room wall.

Matt was a bit upset that they were no longer hanging,

but I had an idea inspired by these...

Here

 Here

So I stuck all of the pictures on the kitchen wall instead.

Matt at first hated it and said it reminded him of an old folks home.

But then later that night as we washed dishes together,

we talked about the photos and our life and goals.

It was really wonderful moment.

I really like it.

We'll see if it gets on my nerves since it's such a small kitchen,

but that's the beauty of living in Butler,

no one really cares if there are a hundred holes in the wall

or if I get bored in a month and take it all down.

Stitch

Plensty: Oh great! He's loose!

Jumba: His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe!

We were only left with our right socks by the time our little monster was done with us too.

After all...her mama is teaching her that there are no shoes on the bed.

Matt the Dad

I love this man.

Celebrating 2 years together

Matt took the day off yesterday to celebrate our anniversary.

We threw around a lot of ideas for what we could do,

but in the end we figured that the beach trumped New York City.

When we woke up, we got ready and left.

About ten minutes after we left the house,

it started raining.

It was coming down in sheets.

Matt could barely see the road, and several times we contemplated pulling over.

We had two stops on our way there, so we had our fingers crossed that it would be cleared up by the time our errands were done.

We needed sunscreen and Matt got me flip-flops for my anniversary present.

(I got him a pepper grinder. lol)

People were probably thinking we were crazy at Target and TJ Maxx.

We were in our swimsuits all ready for the beach...while it looked like anything but a beach day outside.

When we got about a mile from the beach, we finally saw some sunlight.

It still hadn't quite reached the beach when we got there.

As we bought our beach passes, the lady there said,

"You realize there is no refund."

We reassured her that we were planning on getting wet anyway,

so the rain didn't bother us much.

We ran into the water.

It was wonderful.

The ocean was a bit choppy and there was no one there.

We had to get out after a bit because Tiny was getting cold.

We grabbed lunch at Applebee's before heading back.

The sun was out when we got there!

It was beautiful.

The three of us walked down the beach together.

Tiny on Matt's shoulders and us holding hands.

It was great.

After that back in the water we went.

We played until dinner time,

before heading home to brownies and curry.